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Band 8.0CEFR C1317 words

In some countries, the average weight of people is increasing

This is a well-crafted, highly coherent, and sophisticated essay addressing the rising weight trend across populations. It features a clear, nuanced thesis, excellent paragraph ...

IELTS WritingCEFR C1Checked

Prompt

In some countries, the average weight of people is increasing

Essay review

Annotated essay

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Rising obesity rates have become a pressing public health concern in numerous countries around the world, and there is ongoing debate about who bears the primary responsibility for addressing this trend. Some argue that governments must take the lead through legislation and public health campaigns, while others maintain that individuals themselves are ultimately accountable for the choices they make. In my view, responsibility is genuinely shared, but governments have a distinctly greater capacity to create the conditions in which healthier choices become possible.

On one hand, personal responsibility cannot be dismissed. Adults make daily decisions about what they eat and how much physical activity they engage in, and these choices accumulate over time into patterns that either support or undermine health. A government cannot follow individuals into supermarkets or restaurants and dictate their selections. Furthermore, attributing unhealthy weight gain solely to external factors risks creating a culture in which people feel absolved of agency over their own bodies, which is neither accurate nor constructive.

That said, the environments in which people make these decisions are shaped largely by policies and economic structures that individuals cannot control. Unhealthy food is frequently cheaper and more accessible than nutritious alternatives, particularly in lower-income communities. Aggressive marketing by food corporations targets children and normalises excessive consumption of processed products. These are systemic forces that individual willpower alone cannot overcome. Governments are uniquely positioned to regulate food labelling, restrict advertising of unhealthy products to minors, introduce taxation on high-sugar goods, and invest in public spaces that facilitate physical activity.

The evidence from countries that have implemented such measures suggests they can be highly effective. Nations with robust nutritional education programmes and accessible recreational infrastructure consistently report better population health outcomes.

Ultimately, while personal choices matter, sustainable improvement in public health requires governments to reshape the environments in which those choices are made. Responsibility is mutual, but structural intervention must lead the way.

Error patterns

Band & CEFR

Band 8.0

CEFR C1 · High

Assessment summary

This is a well-crafted, highly coherent, and sophisticated essay addressing the rising weight trend across populations. It features a clear, nuanced thesis, excellent paragraph progression, precise academic vocabulary, and a wide range of error-free complex structures. Minor lexical choices or punctuation lapses are practically absent, supporting an overall Band 8.0 level.

Scoring criteria

Task Response 8.0

Strengths

  • Fully addresses all parts of the task by discussing both personal accountability and governmental responsibility.
  • Establishes a nuanced position in the introduction that responsibility is shared, but governments have greater capacity.
  • Extends arguments logically with concrete structural examples such as taxation, regulation, and infrastructure investment.

Weaknesses

  • Could include slightly more specific empirical data or a named case study to elevate the exemplification to a Band 9 level.

The essay presents a fully developed, well-supported argument with a clear position maintained throughout, satisfying all Task Response requirements for Band 8.0.

Coherence & Cohesion 8.5

Strengths

  • Employs seamless paragraph logic with clear controlling topics and excellent progression of ideas.
  • Uses sophisticated referential cohesion and lexical chains rather than relying on formulaic linkers.
  • Paragraphs are expertly structured, moving from introduction of views to personal responsibility, environmental factors, evidence, and a balanced conclusion.

Weaknesses

  • Very occasional transitions are standard, though extremely well handled.

The text flows naturally from paragraph to paragraph with sophisticated cohesion and clear management of topic themes, earning an 8.5.

Lexical Resource 8.0

Strengths

  • Integrates high-value academic collocations such as 'pressing public health concern', 'systemic forces', and 'recreational infrastructure'.
  • Demonstrates precise use of abstract academic nouns and stance markers like 'accountable', 'attributing', and 'structural intervention'.
  • Avoids repetition through precise paraphrasing and varied vocabulary.

Weaknesses

  • A few expressions border on common academic phrasing rather than highly original idiomatic collocations.

Vocabulary is wide, precise, and used with very high accuracy, allowing fluent and natural conveyance of complex ideas.

Grammar Range & Accuracy 8.0

Strengths

  • Demonstrates a wide range of complex sentence structures including adverbial clauses, relative clauses, and non-finite participial clauses.
  • Maintains extremely high grammatical accuracy with over 90% error-free clauses.
  • Maintains precise control over tense, aspect, and subject-verb agreement throughout.

Weaknesses

  • Advanced syntactic patterns like negative inversion or cleft sentences are not utilized, keeping the grammar score at 8.0 rather than 9.0.

The essay displays a wide range of structures with rare, non-systematic errors, easily meeting the criteria for Band 8.0.

Writing stats

Words
317
Paragraphs
5
Grammar issues
0
Lexical suggestions
4
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